All of us must play a part in lowering our nation’s political temperature. So I applaud Project 2025 mastermind Kevin Roberts for postponing publication to rewrite and tone down the violent rhetoric in his forthcoming memoir, Dawn’s Early Light: Burning Down Washington to Save America (with a foreword by J. D. Vance), I’ve decided to follow his lead by making similar edits to my forthcoming book, ROCKET’S RED GLARE: Embracing the Cleansing Fire of Patriotism That Will Burn Our Modern-Day Sodom to the Ground So That a New America Can Rise from the Ashes.
My father is a good man. His domestic policy work has been outstanding: against all odds, he was able to negotiate an extra half-hour of TV time on school nights, against fierce opposition from my mother. Not to mention Taco Tuesday. His work outside the home has also won praise. He took me to a water park once with a HUGE slide called “The Cobra.” The sign said, “Must be 8 Or Older” (I am only 7), but my dad said to the Slide Guy, “Yup, he’s 8,” then he winked at me. I winked back at him. The ride was EPIC! But that was 2023…and this is now.
1) Six months into the treatment, what physical changes have you noticed in your child?
Okay well, we noticed changes almost immediately. Within a few days, his face looked different. My husband and I had seen the “Before and After” photos in your commercials, but frankly we’d assumed those were exaggerations (a.k.a., BS—sorry, but that’s what we thought). How much of a “miracle pill” could your product really be, and how quickly? We’d done some research and knew that the “modifications” were often more gradual, subtler than advertised. But the truth is right away, certain physical traits associated with our son’s genetic condition—abnormalities—started disappearing. Just like in the commercials.
I know, I know: Why does the most famous Italian American on Earth wanna play a poor Jewish milkman? First off, Italians, Jews? Tomato, to-matzo. Love the Jews. Dig their whole bag. Got lots of Jewish friends too, like my agent and my lawyer and my other lawyer just for dame stuff. Plus, Sammy Davis Jr. Also, I hear your director, Norman Jewison, is a Protestant, which is kinda like meeting a guy named Johnny Catholic who turns out to be a Buddhist (but who cares is my point—we’re all just people!).
From an early review of Clouds:“Picture a pristine morning sky. Bright. Azure. Full of possibility. Now add some obese floating sheep. Oh, I’m sorry—did I ruin the mood? Ladies and gentlemen, meet clouds: amateurish puffs of mediocrity better suited to a child’s scribblings than our heavenly firmament. Some artist types may posture that clouds add texture, depth, and a note of majestic melancholy. Posh. These are the same anhedonic killjoys who claim that a beach picnic isn’t complete without sand in your sandwich. And, speaking of ruined picnics, did I mention that clouds are from whence come rain, thunder, lightning? That’s right, folks—these flying sheep can kill you. This critic prefers his flocks where they belong: back on the ground. Zero stars for clouds.”
After his son is born with lifelong learning disabilities, the co-creator of the hit TV series ‘How I Met Your Mother’ has a reckoning with the terms he was careless with, too.
Seems every other day, I got hit men, con men, made men, trigger men, bag men, button men – you name it – tellin’ me how they stored a stiff in a meat locker only for an extreme heatwave to cause rolling black-outs, and both the corpse and 700 pounds of beautifully-marbled Japanese Wagyu wind up spoiling rotten! Such a waste.
Please allow me to elaborate upon my request: Can you imagine what it feels like to wake up one morning and suddenly your name is universally synonymous with death? Today’s New York Times headline (“Carlhobbes Is Coming to Kill You!”) had an exclamation point. Have you ever seen an exclamation point in a New York Times headline?